Last Chance

So here we meet again. I am the girl you liked once, you’re the guy I was slowly falling for. We met in the right place but at the wrong time and this destroyed everything we ever dreamt of for each other.
We rushed into this emotion in a speed of hurricane and when I hit us, oh boy it was good. The sweet pain of starting something new, the delightful fear of getting hurt again, the undeniable sureness of eventually dying. It hit us like a train and left us disoriented. I remember the moment we chose different ways.
You were trying to be rational. Saying it’s the distance, it’s the paper work, making all those excuses I couldn’t bare and found offensive for my intelligence. The thing with women is that as emotions take over, there is no turning back. And as I figured you were heading someplace else, I put a strong effort to get you out of my mind. I managed to do this at some point, then again I failed miserably.
And yet here we are, sitting in front of each other, drinking beer after a beer, looking at each other’s eyes and talking about how we feel there’s something missing. And then, after a few, we go to the club to dance the frustration off and you get angry on me. Angry because I get the attention from others. Angry because I don’t react on your jealousy. Angry because we are not going back home together. But most of all, angry because out of respect, we both were honest and we both knew what was missing. It was us. It was a chance for us to be together.
Despite a fact there’s physical distance, we were angry we slowly killed the emotional connection. And knowing that, and seeing how good we get along anyway, is something that kills us everyday.
But is there anything we can do?

Birthday

There is something about your birthday that makes you want to either sit down and cry since you’re getting old and haven’t achieved nothing impressing yet or start your birthday celebrations at least a week before your actual birthday and continue celebrating for as long as you can (which basically means – until you still have a liver or at least a half of it that can work and was not consumed by alcohol).

Myself, I get a semi-depression at least a week before and celebrate my birthday as long as I can. That basically means that I am still celebrating (trying) and my depression is over (undoubtedly yes but sometimes no). This year’s annual semi-depression week wasn’t nearly as rough as the previous one. (Thank me!) I used my time to think about changes.

A lot of things have changed during last year. And, in general, I believe those changes are for good and were really needed.

I finally feel like I am on the right track and waking up everyday is suddenly easier than before.

Of course, there are still some things that I am missing. It’s not like I am the happiest person living. I still have my bad hair days, or any other bad-something days. It happens all the time! But, comparing to last year, I have a lot more things to be grateful for.

My Annual Semi-Depression Week was shorter this year. I used this time to set goals and think about values. Of course, I was still listening to girly songs, watching Bridget Jones’ Diary and Intouchables, still wanting to spend all my days covered by animal-pinted blanket with a company of a subtle candle light in my room and a freshy smell of berry and jasmine. Oh, I desperetely wanted to do that. Wanted but couldn’t.

On my birthday, reading and listening to words of kindness made me realise how easily we can influence and improve one another’s lives. I am grateful for all the wishes, all the inside jokes, every Happy Birthday, every grattis på födelsedagen, every Sto lat that I got that day. They made me feel happy, apprechiated and important. It was a great start of yet another year of rocking it Anna’s style.

 

On that occasion, I want to thank you for being here, watching my irregular steps on blogging adventure!

Wish you all the best!

You no longer have the power

Hey you,
The guy who gained control over my thoughts way too fast. The one who could have it all. I’m taking the control over me back to where it belongs – myself.
If we meet, or when we do, you probably won’t notice a difference. Just like you haven’t noticed how powerful you were at some stage of this relation.
It all started so innocent. I was really careful and yet it all happened. People picture me as an easy going, an extrovert, funny and fun loving person, great to have around. If you ask me, I’d say I’m shy, sensitive, a grenade of emotions. The truth is probably somewhere in beween. What I most definitely am is careful. And yet it all happened, I let that happen again.
I met you and everything was different. So easy, so colourful and fun. I invited you in to my world and you accepted the invitation just to forget about it anyway. I opened up to you and yet I’m the one that feels hurt and almost offended.
I gave you the power to change things in my life. I trusted my guts and still am pretty amazed that, I guess, I was wrong about you. My guts tell me it’s not over yet but I’m mentally tired. I need to know, I need clarification and I am not a patient person. Cause waiting leads to thinking and thinking, in my case, leads to overanalysing. And to overanalyse is to kill. Once you start, you can’t turn it off, you become a serial killer on yourself.
Hey you, you are amazing. You’re interesting, you’re fun, smart, inspiring. Once you have this all figured out, I know you’ll do great things. I have faith in you and I wish I could stick around to watch and help you. But I won’t until you don’t want me to.

Hey you, it’s your turn. You have to make a decision. But remember – no decision is a decision itself.
It’s true what they say – nice people finish last and right now I wish I wasn’t a nice person. I have so many wishes and some of them you could make happen. Am I waiting for that? Not anymore. Why? Because now it’s the time to take care of myself and cut you off.

You can’t be missed if you’ve never gone away.

Disappointed

I wonder when it’s the right moment to tell someone how disappointed by their behaviour you are.

Is there even a right moment for it?
I’m disappointed by you. Sounds rough. Usually is a bearer of bad news. As it’s usually the beginning of bigger conversation about your standards of behaviour, about how you want things to be like, and that kind of conversation is usually scary as fuck.
When I feel disappointed, I do few things so the drama doesn’t take over. Last thing you need is a conversation to turn into an argument. You don’t want nor need that.
1. Go for a walk
Fresh air does this magic thing with my brain cells and emotions. It calms me down.

A walk is sometimes the fastest way to cool yourself down a bit and that is probably the most important thing. Disappointment plus emotions is not the best combination.
2. Sit down and think
No one likes to feel sad. When you’re disappointed, the next emotion you feel is usually sadness or anger.

Once you’ve dealt with anger by walking, sadness can easily lead you to semi-depressed state of mind. How do you deal with it?
I sit on a couch with piece of paper and write down all my thoughts. It helps to clear up my mind and eventually see the biggest picture.
3. Write
In my opinion contact with paper is the best for any mood swing.

Just write down all your thoughts, try to catch your emotions, let them go through paper. Ask yourself questions. Write down the answers.
4. Read what you’ve written
And when you do that, answer yourself a question- do I still need to discuss what caused my disappointment?
I am not trying to convince you people not to discuss your thoughts and feelings. No.

But personally I believe that sometimes it’s better to deal with them by ourselves than to start another world war in our relations. Sure, if there’s a thing that’s is driving us crazy for a while now, discuss it as calmly as you can, for your own sake.

On other occasions, sometimes it’s better to calm down, chill and be grateful for people we have in our lives no matter how fucked up they are sometimes. We’re not different either :)

Wait

I am not a patient person. When I want something, I know I want it and I want it now. Some say you get patient with age, as you’re more experienced, you’ve gained some life wisdom and you’ve learned. Maybe I am an exception or am just being childish, still my patience is definitely one of my biggest weaknesses.

But why am I talking about patience and waiting?

Last couple of weeks were truly a nightmare. Between my friends’ problems that I’ve been listening about, I couldn’t find time for myself. And as I helped them the best I could and now I have plenty of time to think about my things, my mind is getting blown and I am getting tired. And I thought listening to my friends complaining and seeking for advice, a piece of Anna’s Wisdom, was annoying and tirinig and destroying me mentally. Hell no. This, what is happening now, is way worse.

So you have to understand I am in some kind of sinusoid of emotions and thoughts. Swinging from huge excitement to frustration.

 

This year, so far, has been the year of change. I redefined my life goals, created a plan for myself and, most important, started to take a moment when it’s there. I feel so lucky. Starting from next week, every month there is something I look forward to. And as I lay down in my bed thinking about all those situations that happened to me during the day, the thought of exciting times coming actually smashed me. Isn’t that what life is about? Making plans or not making plans at all but doing things that make you want to invent a time machine to experience it now, at this right moment? I am so excited that if I could, I’d used it and travel in time to make it all happen faster and make me feel happier and fullfilled. I feel blessed with all the people around me, with the stories we share, with this bunch of you here, reading my thoughts. And I feel like my heart is going to pop out of my chest, that’s how excited I am for the next couple of months.

I am impatient. I want all my plans to work out now. But I have to learn to wait for it. And try not to die because of excitement.

What I’m working on now is my own business. I may actually post something about my ideas as business itself starts earning money. I’ve been looking for a perfect job for myself for a while now, I’ve tried a couple of things and figured out that hey, you can mix it all and simply create a job for yourself. That’s what I am doing now.

What I’m looking forward to are the trips – Vilnius in a week, Dublin in October, London in December. Still have to figure out where to go in November. But hell yes, I am excited.

 

And with all this, I can’t wait to see my people, to chat, to hang out, to party, to see them, spend more time, experience, travel.

 

Can’t wait.

Man, I have to work on my patience.

 

 

PS/ No, I haven’t been drinking. I am totally sober. It is not an alcohol talk.

Gym

Since I cannot go to gym lately, I decided to kill myself with several different activities at home.

Don’t get me wrong. I am sick, it makes the killing process way more effective. As I lack some physical activity these days and for a sick person I have shit loads of energy to spare, for obvious reasons, cause my organism decided to get a flu or whatever, I thought the greatest idea is to start all those 30 days Challenges I installed on my iPhone.

So now, even though I can barely move, I squat as if Channing Tatum was behind me. Keep up the good work!

You do the math

When you look for the definition of a hookup, what you get is most commonly a person that you had sex with. Once. A one night stand.

Not the promising start of the relation. As there is no relation at all.

 

The biggest discourse of one night stands is they don’t have equal meaning to the sides involved. Girls could lie about it but as long as you’re not fucked (well, literally, you are), let me put it this way – drunkenly unconsious, you cannot stop thinking about what-ifs.

So – for a man (usually) it’s just sex.They have this thing. Can shut down emotions and simply do their thing. Such a dedication towards sex. Never stops to amaze me.

For a woman it’s usually harder. If it’s not a drunken hookup. If that’s the case, you run out of the apartment or hotel room in a slow motion, hearing Run, Forrest, Run. Cause you wake up with You’re Pretty When I’m Drunk syndrome. That never happened to me, luckily. Or not.

I don’t do hookups. I am not a one night stand girl. That’s why my previous actions result in mindfuck and dozens of thoughts I never knew I could possibly have. In this matter I am a good girl. It takes a real effort to make me feel comfortable (or drunk) enough to make me start to even think about having sex with a stranger. I am one of those romantic chicks. But when you make me believe that every kiss is the promise of the new beggining (thank you, PS. I love you, for ruining my life), I am yours.

And there’s what happened to me this summer. Met nice people, had a great time, had sex, continued to talk, went on a trip together, had sex again, got back home, talked, and after a while it all turned so quiet. And there’s just me wondering what the f… was that. If it was anything at all.

 

Talking to my boy-friends, I have this one conclusion. Once you meet afterwards or have sex more than once, it’s not a hookup anymore. At least that’s what they say. It can be either nothing or everything. So I guess there’s not much I can do but wait for things to sort out themselves.

Isn’t it a rule that whatever happens after the one night stand is a gift, not a promise?

 

Honestly, I have no idea.

 

 

 

PS/ Good to be back to angieistheway. After years of absence, for which I am sorry.